Dear Diary..!!

Yet another day..yet another melody

2010-08-03T07:04:00.001+05:30

A cup of hot chai and one of my most favourite gazals playing.. this is pure unadulterated bliss... as I hum these lines..

"Khench le na voh mera parde ka kona daffatan - 2
Aur dupatte se tera voh munh chhupaana yaad hai
Humko ab tak aashiqui ka voh zamaana yaad hai
Chupke chupke raat din aansu bahaana yaad hai
Do paher ki dhoop mein mere bulaane ke liye - 2
Voh tera kothe pe nange paaon aana yaad hai"

I want to go back.

2010-07-26T19:13:00.002+05:30

Today I want to go back in time and not make those decisions.
I want to go back and not say those things.
I want to go back and not make those promises.
I want to go back and change my present again.

Dreamy...

2010-07-13T22:53:00.003+05:30

I get lyrical sometimes..poetic...read words with a lens in hand...delve deeper...deeper than the superficiality of the random assortment of characters...the symbolism and the representation takes me into a different plane of existence...I get dreamy..shed the covering of pragmatism and logic..

Right now a multitude of thoughts are randomly appearing in my mind in flashes as I listen to this song... beautiful is the word..

Let me take you far away
You’d like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You’d like a holiday

Exchange the cold days for the sun
A good time and fun
Let me take you far away
You’d like a holiday

Let me take you far away
You’d like a holiday
Let me take you far away
You’d like a holiday

Exchange your troubles for some love
Wherever you are
Let me take you far away
You’d like a holiday

Longing for the sun you will come
To the island without name
Longing for the sun be welcome
On the island many miles away from home
Be welcome on the island without name
Longing for the sun you will come
To the island many miles away from home

PS: Sorry for sounding way too abstract. I am like this onlyy ;)

Humming....

2010-07-10T02:39:00.003+05:30

As I write this piece..I am smirking away to glory..listening to this song which reminds me of one of those days a few years back in Bombay...

Yes...music and songs invariably remind me of the times which are well etched in my memory...little things..its strange and I must admit that I do have a story from my memory for every song that i like :) its strange..but when the memory is rather endearing, the songs make my day when ever I listen to them.. like the one right now! Gosh I need to stop smirking :) :)
I will write a post on my favorite songs and the story I associate with each soon.. Right now I just want to hum and smile :D

Loud..Louder

2010-07-02T20:07:00.002+05:30

Hooked to this song on my ipod since morning which reminds me of the initial days in Bombay :) Just LOVE IT!

ah the drama!

2010-07-01T20:53:00.003+05:30

So I am addicted...yes very much..addicted to all those reality shows that air on every damn channel aired on that huge TV in my room..

Reality TV as a genre is not something very old for the Indian me.. Yes the 'Big Boss', the 'roadies, splitsvilla et al not withstanding.. which reminds me (sorry for digressing) how I once witnessed a scene in Bombay wherein my friend, lets call her P threatened to beat up a colleague N for voting against Kashmira Shah in Big Boss :P .... Hardcore is the word :D

Anyways..despite witnessing such devotion for the reality shows back home..I still feel totally new to the concept when I watch endless number of such shows here in US...

America..the land of opportunities.. And honestly, it hasn't taken me that long to realize how drama finds every opportunity to come alive on screen in every form or manner.. This country thrives on drama! and no not the drama that is contrived or rehearsed or that is nor real... This country thrives on every bit of drama that happens in real life..

Whether is it watching some uber rich Housewives bitching around...spending truckloads of money on what in India would be categorized as conspicuous consumption...or watching the tale of the unsuspecting women who carry a baby for 9 months without realizing anything in the belly! I am aghast!

If you thought that we in India make a celebrity someone greater than god..then think twice.. In US, they make a celebrity out of nothing... you don't need to be anything in real life... Just appear on a reality show about your life which shows you sleeping, drinking , eating and shopping and sometimes reading a paper in the bathroom and VIOLA! YOU ARE FAMOUS!! Wow being a celebrity is THAT easy here...

Watching this reality show on the lives of Kardashian family was just mind boggling! A bunch of sisters who appear rather dumb (seriously!), the bimbos.. they don't shy away from being in front of the camera exposing every part of their body while giving birth...or letting the camera into their bedrooms to capture some intimate moments...or let the world see them getting a bikini wax!! Seriously! are there no boundaries??? No, basically doing these things make them sensational...and lest we forget..the great country called USA LOVES drama..loves sensation! and yeah this country has made superstars of those really lame sisters.. sigh!

Then there are shows like the Bachelorette...and I can proudly (or maybe not) say that India had its own version of the show with our homegrown drama queen... but the US version is so full of steamy scenes, masala and DRAMA..that Rakhi Sawant pales in comparison.. Just imagine that!

There is this really crazy show I came across while flipping channels yesterday... The show features parents who hate the boyfriends/girlfriends of their kids.. And they are on a quest to find their spoilt kid a better date who can have a decent influence on the former! And we curse shaadi.com in India! The concept is similar except that these parents do everything in front of EVERYONE and add a LOT more drama to the endeavour..

There are so many more shows I could talk about..but lets just stop here for I am sure you have totally got what I started trying to convey...

One of these days..I am so going to pick up a book and switch off that idiot box! I am so going to do that soon :)

My Dear Diary

2010-07-01T18:56:00.004+05:30

Dear Diary,

I have been meaning to write you this letter since a long long time..Umm ok not so long maybe..but yeah since a couple of weeks definitely... I wanted to pour out my heart and tell you how much you were missed...

You were missed on all those days I felt supreme joy and did not know how to vent it out except by dancing alone or calling up family and acting speechless...

I missed you on days I was down with dejection... Not knowing how to express the angst...who to share it with...and how to verbalize the flux of emotions...I feared no one understood me... And all that is because I had forgotten how to express things with perfection..without an iota of confusion...

Yes my dear diary..I missed you on all those times...sorely... You were the only one who listened to me without judgment..Who let me feel the way I did...You did not consider anything trivial..or unimportant...You let me be! And I would go on an on...share with you everything..

You were with me in the form of a little diary when I was young.. I remember guarding you like a precious possession from all those hawking eyes :) I made sure that you slept under my pillow safely..

When I grew up, I learnt to share you with the rest of the world...I published you on the internet, for everyone to go through...

Yes that was a big step..for I was letting a very personal part of my life find a life of its own.. Did I have any pangs of separation ? ... I did..but then I had to let you go... I felt great on letting you go and learnt to share you with others very well...

You grew..and matured... At times I used to feel very proud of you... But then I dont know when and how, but I slowly started losing you...

I got busy..and pretended to be too busy to spend any time with you... I would visit you once in a while... Look at you and maybe talk to you.. But gradually other things became more important to me...and I almost lost you... During this time I thought I had 'figured' everything out...I did not need you to talk to or understand me...

Only one thing I did not realize..and that was how all the pent up thoughts which could not find a way out were building up inside of me...I ignored it... I thought I was perfect...

and BOOM... One fine day on one of those days..I come face to face with you again...I looked at you and realized..how much I had missed you...I realized..how much I missed talking to you...how much I have not been me without you... I want to be friends with you again....and I mean it...I want to talk to you again...and I really mean it... I need to discover me again...and I so mean it... Please lets be friends again :)

Love,

Ecolectrik

Lessons

2010-07-01T08:59:00.002+05:30

There is one critical lesson I learnt a few years back....after a bout of tough time...low confidence and dejection.... I learnt that no one can make you feel a certain way unless you wanted so.... The lesson was very powerful..for it gave me the power to fight back..and achieve things for myself...proving to others was just a fortunate corollary... It's time to revisit this lesson again...this time again for myself.

2010-07-01T08:55:00.000+05:30

I want to be me...just me...period.

2009-09-10T08:48:00.002+05:30

Thats Tuck School.. I had seen the picture of this structure so many times..Just that when I actually stood there..things felt different..and great!!

Day 2 at Tuck was hectic..I loved the classes on Analysis for General Managers and Leading teams! The case study method is brilliant in extracting the spirit of intellectual inquiry from students..The classes seem like an Opera performance...The case is left open for discussion and the professor "cold calls" students to bring out the relevant details and the gist of the case.. The entire conversation and discussion is carried out by the students with the prof managing the stage! It is so exciting to hear the numerous perspectives on one single thing in class.. I feel that the "learning process" will be critical to skill building in these two years.. Its heavily geared around forcing you to think and make decisions like a business leader...Things are super hectic! But I feel that the journey is going to be very rewarding!!

The Tuck Tails - week 2

2009-09-08T09:20:00.000+05:30

This may be the most abrupt first post for a blog, but I just could not resist the temptation of documenting my first pangs of nervousness in a business school. This is week two for Tuck Class of 2011 and the beginning of a journey consisting of academic pursuits, skill building, career search and a numerous other things to seek which people like myself left well cushioned jobs during these tough times and decided to spend time in woods. 1st week was exciting and felt like a roller coaster ride and the second week promises more in terms of rigor. This is sunday night and I am trying to finish reading stuff to be discussed in the class on Tuesday. Business school is a fun place for sure!

Coming back to not being as abrupt! I started this blog to document my experiences at the Tuck School of Business. I belong to the class of 2011 and started with the program just a week back (though it feels like months have already passed!) More to follow on my Tuck experience and I pray that i remain as punctual with blogging as I really want to be :)

the labyrinth

2009-08-11T01:03:00.002+05:30

disappointments..one meets this wretched old lady routinely while finding the way out through the labyrinth of life...

there are highs then there are lows... the lows make you feel like you never saw any high...like the nature has persistently been conspiring against you...like no one wants to see you happy... you touch the nadir...

Its only after a while that the realization dawns upon you...that you yourself are the cause of that low... you 'expect' too much.... you expected too much from yourself... you expected too much from the people around you..your friends, loved ones, from people you thought would fulfill them to the best of their abilities... You expected more than what could be delivered.....

Great..so you learn to lower your expectations..you feel better...you explore newer things...move on and erase the low phase from your memory..its strange how human mind works and how resurgent we can be.... we forget the disappointments...

Then comes the phase of highs..we had expectations lowered...so we dont expect much from any one , from ourselves or anything....and if these same expectations are surpassed... we feel a sense of achievement...feeling of eternal bliss...we feel utterly blessed... we realize that the world around us is so beautiful...the people in our lives are so nice....every thing seems rosy....success becomes a habit...there is only one thing around - happiness!

Then we make the same mistake... raise expectations... out memories are anyways short and we conveniently suffer from selective amnesia...what had happened in the past will not happen again with us...thats what we tell ourselves and move forward...

And then yet again..one fine day we trip..and fall into that low which we emerged from many a days back... it all comes back... we feel like a fool for having made the same mistakes...for having created the scenario for that low we so wanted to avoid...we cry...we hate every thing around us...more than anything..we hate ourselves...for not having learnt the lessons well enough last time....

The highs and the lows just continue..endlessly...throughout ones life...its a labyrinth...we are in the quest of that eternal bliss...but keep shuttling between the nadir and acme which make life interesting and sometimes a bit strange...

alive and kicking!

2009-02-01T01:26:00.002+05:30

Yes.. i am alive and kicking..!

After a hiatus of one and a half years..i decided to scribble on my blog again...

A lot has happened since i last posted..

switched jobs.... traveled to far off lands...met diverse set of people... learnt some things..unlearnt others....

i learnt that I can travel all by my self and have a lot of fun at that :)

discovered Bryan adams :) Yes i wonder why i never liked him while in school....

learnt to cook when I had just myself to fend for in an alien land...not bad !!

realized that gambling isnt meant for me :D

found the resilience in me which I doubted at times was dead...

Awesome year! loved every bit of it...despite the nadir and acme...the ups and downs...a year which opened my eyes to myriad things new and taught me to discard the old.....

ok..so i have learnt a lot and discovered new things..then why cant i learn to be regular with my blog :D
i will try my friends..i will try..!!

Fear of the 'DARK'...!!!

2007-08-21T14:22:00.000+05:30

"I am a man who walks alone

And when I'm walking a dark road

At night or strolling through the park

When the light begins to change

I sometimes feel a little strange

A little anxious when it's dark."

('Fear of the Dark-Iron Maiden)

Do I fear the dark...Dark being the unknown..the path not treaded...the world not explored...??!!!

Do I fear change...change being movement away from stagnation...movement away from status quo...???

I guess I do..!!!

It is human tendency to be wary of the unknown..All the myths and fantasies across civilizations attempt to explain the latter....

It is also a human tendency to resist change....History bears testimony to this...the stagnation of the medieval period and the subsequent resistance to a movement towards 'rebirth' or 'renaissance' documents a very good exapmple of this very human trait....

So , with all the historical burden can I be any different...

Changes bothered me since a very young age....ensconced comfortably in a particular lifestyle...i hated it when I had to shift to another city..another school..owing to my dad's transferable job....

Changes bother me a lot more now... shifting base for higher studies or a new job is something that instills in me apprehension...the fear of the unknown overpowers my sensibilities....the pragmatic side of me loses to the unyielding side which breeds on inertia and stagnation....is stagnation more powerful than change??? or is resistance a painful process???

The sense of ennui should ideally fuel the desire for adventure... on the contrary..i seem to be enjoying banality... I guess it is to do with absence of passion to do things lately....

I was very passionate about dancing...reading....writing..at different points of time...

Dunno when and how I lost interest in all the three.... Writing used to give me a lot of satisfaction...it was a stimulant, inspiring me to do things... Where did I lose track.....??!!

Instead of repenting, I should mend my ways now...

So even though stagnation was all pervasive till now... the realization that change is always for the good and thoroughly required should mark a new beginning....

Let me tread the path of renaissance by trying ot get up early tomorrow...(it seems very difficult at the outset- resistance afterall is a painful process..!!!)

Inertia...

2007-04-03T01:09:00.000+05:30

strange things happen...strange emotions flood our minds...leaving no room for reason..sometimes...

you run after something with utter desperation...like there is no happiness without it in your life....that something becomes your obsession...your motivation ...your ambition...

and when you get it...a strange realization dawns upon you... that 'something' is not what you really want...its not really an answer to all the questions puzzling you till now....

is it because change is something you resist...is it that you feel that that 'something' was not so unattainable really...and so u start looking for a different goal....that poses greater challenge...

or is it that you want someone to tell you to stay put...someone to tell you that you are right...you so want that to happen..but ..!

thing dont happen the way you plan....the way you dream... the way you so desperately want...

there is no voice of reason you want to pay attention to...the only voice you want to hear is not audible...you try hard..harder..but all in vein....

life is not always that fair anyways..!!!

wake up from slumber..!! and smell the coffee..!!!!

2007-03-01T22:16:00.000+05:30

It has been ages since i last scribbled anything..anywhere... It is a sign of intellectual bankruptcy..a sign of falling in love with banality..it is a sign of nothing but sheer stagnation...

yes.. it is ..indeed..

my last post was based on 'self doubt'... this phase has prolonged way too much now...I am still hunting for an answer..which for some reason continues to elude me... !!

The last 10 months have been very eventful for me... got masters degree..joined a job..moved to a new city..wilth anticipation..expectations..learnt a lot..faced challenges..frustrations..and stagnation..!!

Many times I toyed with the idea of writing on numerous issues that kept cropping...but just didnt gather enough motivation... lack of motivation isnt a healthy sign..

so now i shall be regular with blogging... i hope i can ... i need to be so.. truly..!!

amen.!

SOMEWHERE I BELONG.......!!!!!!! but where????

2006-05-23T14:11:00.000+05:30

there comes a time in one's life , when you begin to question the purpose of your existence....you begin to hunt for your 'calling'....and the quest for someplace you belong becomes a necessity for inner satisfaction.... you are inflicted with the dreadful thing they call 'self doubt'..... its the most difficult phase of ones life.....

lately i have been questioning things around me....trying to figure out whether i am treading the 'right ' path...whether i am really heading towards my calling......

till some time back , i was almost certain about what i want to do in life...i was sure of the goals i wanted to achieve...but now in retrospect i am not sure if i was right!!!

i have had varying dreams at different points of my life.... at the age of 5 or 6 , i wanted to be a police officer, inspired by a television serial which featured the life story of a women IPS officer... the uniform, the power, and the aura surrounding a lady cop enamored me to a great extent.....

i have always been an avid television fan....
this notion is confirmed by the fact that a serial on the lives of custom officers filled me with the desire to be a custom officer some day!!! i was i guess 8 or 9 yrs old at that time....all this may seem quite funny now..but it was a serious business for a kid aged 8, whose first brush with a lot of things new was because of the television!!!

then at one point of my life i wanted to be a classical dancer.... but a month of training in odissi and the grueling experience washed away all my romantic notions...phew!! dancing is a tough business...you cannot start dancing the way professionals do right in the first class.... there is more to it than meets the eyes!!!! the realization was tough to accept...but lazy as i am resigned to my fate...or laziness..and gave up dancing:(

by the time i reached the 9th std...i almost figured out, what i wanted to do in life......

IAS...yes nothing more and nothing less....

the urge to join the services was so intense in me that i remember spending my vacations , mugging up various GK books...reading up my NCERT books with a scrutinizing eye...not missing a single detail.... watching all the possible news related programmes aired on TV ( hail the cable tv boom!!) ....reading up all the newspapers my dad subscribed to.... in other words , i was totally dedicated to the fulfilment of my dream!!!!!

i wanted to be called an IAS officer....i loved the work profile offered to an IAS officer.... the ability to influence the lives of people.... the varying challenges...all this might appear cliched...but reality is reality....no other service can offer a more multifaceted work profile as that offered by the IAS...

meeting lady officers would fill me with excitement...it used to be a motivational factor for me....

IAS was the only dream which shaped my decision to opt for humanities at the plus 2 level...

but...DELHI changed my dreams...it influenced my thinking...my views on career choice...

politicisation of bureaucracy has always been a reality...but delhi being the mecca of power enjoys a lion's share of this facet...or ill..

political connection and its impact in shaping the career of a bureaucrat was a shocking revelation...

these things and more forced me to alter my thoughts... should i study hard to get into the services and end up serving the interests of petty politicians, who are no more than jokers to me...if the prerequisite of enjoying a good career profile is the latter..then no..i dont want to get into the services....

the power and the respect enjoyed by an IAS officer in a small town is phenomenal...in Delhi on the contrary...an IAS officer is nothing if he or she does not enjoy the blessings of the politicians in power.... ' quid pro quo' is the reality of survival in the pond for any fish....and survival of the fittest is the rule of the day....
bureaucracy is rather dirty..right at the top...

i gave up!!!!

it was actually giving up..surrendering even before a fight....
oh! what a loser i am..

Somedays back , on a trip to mussorie, i stayed at a guest house...located inside Lal Bahadur Shastri National Academy of Administration....the place where bureaucrats receive training before formally joining the services...
the anxiety and things that i felt on entering into the premises are ineffable....i had a weird feeling...

i was already miserable...and by the time i entered into the mess for dinner...my state became worse...the mess was full of IAS probationers having dinner....

' what am i doing here'.....'what a loser i am'.....' i dont deserve to dine here unless i become one of them'.....

i was full of thoughts like these and more throughout the dinner.....it was nightmarish...

it is only when i went back to my room, did i become normal again....my friends who had accompanied me to the trip found my behaviour rather strange..and couldnt understand the of emotional dillema i was going thru....the flux of emotions haunting me at that moment....

IAS was my childhood dream...and i had given it up..even before a try....

This experience has forced me to think again... about my calling...about where i want to see myself some 5 years from now....

I am hunting for answere..and some peace of mind....

heres hoping..that i get both soon......soon enough!!!

reservations...against reservation..

2006-05-18T14:58:00.001+05:30

some odd ten years back..i remember my dad looking at me with a grim face...he mentioned, how in the years to come if i decide to write the civil services exam...i will have to work thrice as hard as him..not because the nature and the magnitude of competition facing me would be worse , but because of my caste....i would be eligible to compete for the 50.5% seats left after the requisite reservation quotas were filled!!!

these were the days of MANDAL commision...

i was very young at that time , to understand the implications of this policy..... but when i finally understood , what such a step by the government meant..and the various socio-economic dimensions of the debate..i was disgusted...thoroughly disgusted......

The first question that came to my mind is- why do the backward castes need governmwnt support???

....the obvious ansewer lies in the various manifestations of the caste system, deeply ingrained in the indian society...an integral part of the hindu social formation..casteism found ways to penetrate into other religions practiced in the indian mainland...the hindu social order ranked sudras as the lowest of the low...left to perform menial chores..which were looked down upon by the society...they were taught to obey the orders of the higher caste man...were taught to think of themselves as sevants of the latter...penence shall be their's only on serving the brahamanas and other higher castes....so the entire system entrenched in the sudras a feeling of servility...devoid them of any self respect that they should have possessed...the conspiracy is evident in the dictats of the vedas...mythological stories...in all hindu rituals...and so on and so forth....
..the roots of casteism so strong that even today we hear of caste wars in Haryana, Bihar, tamil nadu....and other parts of the nation....the superiority complex is till date ingrained deeply into the psyche of upper class people..whether or not they accept it publically....a simple example is the furore created in any supposedly 'broadminded' family on marriages outside caste.. not to mention marriage btw higher caste and a lowere cast....

..discrimination is a social reality....we cannot abstract from it....it would imply running away from truth.......

but is reservation in institutions of higher education the answer to all the ills???

... a lower caste child...who is discriminated against...whose family does not have adequate means to send him to a proper school, buy him books....who has faced hardships...would get into IIT's and IIMs with reservation???

the catch here is the word..'deprivation'....

..the probability of a poor..low caste child to complete school education is very low...now if this child has not been able to finish school in the light of deprivation...how on earth will he qualify to appear in these competitive exams????

..the need of the hour is improving access to primary and secondary education for those children who face deprivations...

the case of a backward caste child being beaten up black and blue in a primary school in Tamil nadu for drinking water from the jar kept for upper caste students provides a burning example of government's failure to address isues at the grass root level...

if the SC/ST/OBC cannot compete because of societal pressures , then the need of the hour is not reservation...but affirmative action....the government should adopt Amartya Sen's 'capability approach' for correcting the abberation that has diluted the unity of indian society....
the backward castes should be equipped with the capability to compete....with the ability to excel...all this can be ensured by provision of free books...through special coaching centres for them to train them for all kinds of competitive exam.....

This will be a step in the direction of restoring their self confidence....

these steps will adress the ral problem...will target the people who are really affected...

else the real beneficiaries will be Laloo's children...sharad yadav's relatives..and you know what i mean...

long term or short term .....reservation is not even a solution...it is futher aggravating the problem.....it is creating more divisions to correct divisions......

The success of Indian democracy lies in equal opportunity to all....but not equal opportunity to those who are 'more equal' than others...........

END OF HIBERNATION...

2005-12-26T20:05:00.000+05:30

in the last blog i made an attempt to understand marxism by incorporating a greater degree of objectivity in my appoach....i concluded that i am anything but a marxist...this is something i know now...something i did not know back in college....
ideologies facinated me..they do now too...the difference lies in my perspective...
liberalism was one strand of thought with captured the imagination of many , including me ( if i may say so at the cost of contradicting myself)...
the economics taught in delhi univeristy with a neoclassical framework, emphasized the benefits and the 'goodness'of leissez faire... the merits of competition.... the condition for efficiency seemed to be equated with profit maximization..MR=MC...
these things appeared very mechanical to me...for the humanistic touch was so absent in the study of this'dismal science'...
papers like macroeconomics , national income accounts, discussed development and growth in the context of a rising GDP...that is if the government expenditure rises on things as arbit as financing the junket of a minister , the GDP figure will register an increase...
i was relieved to finally find that the stream of welfare economics, did have some answers to my questions....
the welfare of society could be incorporated in the general equilibrium framework, with the purpose of attaining efficiency...the only problem was the choice of social welfare function...Arrow's imposibility theorm , negates the possibility of a well behaved social welfare function ... so it is the interpersonal decision making , which can be used in arriving at such functions...a society which values the well being of the poorest will have a different welfare function than a dictatorial regime... or a society could assign weights to well being different income groups to arrive at a social welfare function...
the approach may seem elegant...but the question arises--who decides the weights??????
the question may seem simple...but the answer to it holds the key to failure of economic theory in answering questions of greater relevance to mankind... from an academic perspective one may make assumptions about the nature of decision takers....but we really need not be Einstein
to figure out, the distortions that creep in with relaxation of these assumptions...

so i was disappointed in college for failure on my part to get answers to questions pertaining to the synergy between competition and welfare....

contd..

IDEOLOGIES!!!

2005-10-18T15:09:00.000+05:30

ideology is the the most impotrant factor in shaping ones character...perspective....and outlook..or so i thought in school days....
those were the days..yes i can never over the nostalgia..those were the best days of my life......
being a student of political science in plus 2, i was fortunate to be exposed to the theoretical background of ideologies galore.....ranging from socialism..to capitalism..to liberalism....to fascism....to the various facets of socialism....communism..and MARXISM.....

marxism was one ideology which facinated me immensely...its tenets made a great deal of sense to me....no other ideology was built on the foundations of exploitation...and the inherent schism...the principle of dialectical materialism was one aspect of marxism i was most facinated to...thesis...antithesis..synthesis...

so brimming with idealism..wanting to attain greater ideological maturity, i entered the portals of hindu college(derided by me in previous posts for entirely different set of reasons)...
college introduced me to AYN RAND.. to liberatarian philosophy...to leissez faire...(three years of training in neoclassical economics is bound to leave anyone questioning the judgement of indian policymakers..and their economic programmes)...

it sowed the seeds of confusion....thesis....antithesis....
confusion is good...it is indeed good.. for it forces you to look for answers...it forces you to hunt for it...

nonchalence to realism...i guess that was my problem...synthesis!!!

i started thinking....
ok! if marxism was all that practical then why did USSR fail????
maybe because dictatorship of proletariat did not mean dictatorship of ...stalin....of breznev....of khrushchev...et al....in the words of george orwell...equality did not really mean that some people are more equal than others.....
and if the principles of dialectics hold..then revolution would have been a natural progression...a historical climax...not a premeditated event....
revolt would have been against capitalists....in a capitalist state...not against monarchs.....in a state where capitalism has not grown much beyond the embryonic stage.........

why communism failed in east europe????for exactly the same reason..i suppose....
everyone seems to ignore the background against which revolution is stated to occur....

it seemed i had answers to some questions.....
so i wrote an article for college magazine discussing this antagonism..this confusion...and this dillema..
and what next..i am branded a communist!!!!

BRANDING is one thing i really hate about bigots and fanatics.....it creates scepticism...distrust...and is not healthy for intellectual growth of civil society....McCarthy and anti communist movt. in USA....the atrocities committes in USSR on those who did not agree""to walk on 2 legs"....have presented to us the extremes... the nadir....

so what i have learned is one simple lesson.....objectivity is the key to growth of intellect..and perspective....
ideology forces u to view everything from a lense.. the image is bound to be distorted in the absence of objectivity......

so the catch is i am not a marxist(for nw i believe that marxism or no marxism...only future has the answer ).....
i am not a liberatarian tooo....
cause if i am such a confused person and i have learned to look at everything with a greater degree of objectivity....then liberatarianism is my next TARGET....

more on it in the next blog.....

arrrrrrggggghhhhh

2005-10-16T12:19:00.000+05:30

MTNL broadband SUCKS!!!!
i wrote a nice long article after days of deliberation... and when i try to publish it....boom...server down..i am sick of it...
i hope this one gets published without any hitch:(

options!!!

2005-08-11T10:27:00.000+05:30

college has started...and this semester is KILLING!!! with balance of payments, envionmental economics, advanced topics in trade, advanced econometrics and game theory--i cant ask for any more reason to commit suicide!!!
and i thought that the life of an economist was easier....
the myth didnt take a lot of time to get shattered.....

LIVE 8 the biggest hoax!!

2005-07-08T18:09:00.000+05:30

last sunday i watched the concert, named LIVE 8 to my bewilderment for reasons beyond my comprehension! In between the pop acts were sandwiched short documentries that projected the pathos of people suffering from poverty in african nations..the slogan was 'MAKE POVRTY HISTORY'....The underlying idea behind organizing such an event was to exert political pressure on the leaders of the G8 nations ahead of the G 8 summit, with respect to their role in eradication of poverty in africa.. everything was fine.....

but hold it... does anyone remember the stories on africa now...at least all that my ROCK CRAZY sister remembers is coldplay.. yes and i am sure the world over who ever attended the show would have recollections similar to my sisters....

also are the G8 leaders discussing african poverty in their summit????? lemme see...england is either busy celebrating the victory over paris in their bid to host olympic or busy recuperating after the terrorist attacks(al quaida is top on their list of priority)... while france is busy lamenting their loss in the bid.. on the other hand mr president (i guess that is what americanslaverized(new word i invented) indian media of the aaj tak variety calls him)
has no time for things as trivial as poverty(america does not have hunger death, so y shud they be concerned?), he has a royal birthday parties to attend..and his hand got injured recently eliciting media frenzy... do these hotshots simply dont have time!!!!!

moreover do blair, bush,chiraq et all watch ROCK???????????????????????????????
A big question... sadly the answer is not all that intricate..............

so then another question arises... why and for what was this LIVE 8 thing aimed at?????????it would be interesting to evaluate how global policy issues were influenced because of some ROCKSTARS!!!!! ANOTHER THING highly conspicuous by its absence in the concert was a single african singer(i do not mean will smithwho is an american)......so whose purpose was served after all the hullaballoo??????????
this is one question i really cannot answer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hmmmm

2005-07-07T23:18:00.000+05:30

i am suffering frm what i called the writer's block..cant believe it is happening with me again..hopefully will get over it soon.....

somewhere i belong.....

2005-06-27T22:44:00.000+05:30

"i wanna heal i wanna feel...............wat i found was never real....i wanna let go of the pain i felt so long...................i will break away........i will find myself today"
how i identify with the wordings of this song.........
not come across a song with as much depth as this since along long time......
only that i dont wanna sing it 5 yrs from now...
having 'found'myself finally..........

TOO MANY....

2005-06-24T18:19:00.000+05:30

Too many spelling mistakes in last blog...
wen will i learn to type fast with 100% accuracy??????????

MEDIA MATTERS.....

2005-06-24T14:47:00.000+05:30

I am an avid follower of politics.....be it indian politics or world politics......
a recent incident and the amount of unnecessary media coverage it received substantiated my concerns about indian media turning saffron...
indian media since the days of BJP govt , towed the line of people in power ... following their dictats, and thereby forcing the " un intelligent" ,"gullible" and impressionalbe indian populace to feel india shining brightly in the sky..........oh well!!
even after the voters rejected the falsifying myth of india shine.... even after millions of indians suffering from deprivation did not accept the analogy drawn between happy nation and rising sensex.........the great indian media wont budge from its stand....numbed from wat they perceived as an utterly unexpected incident.... as if!!

so lemme come to the point.. recently in a desperate attempt to get himself a makeover of the secular variety (' jassi 's contribution to the circus they call politics..) mr advani went on a flip flop yet again.... praising the masiha of hindu nationalists shyamaprasad mukherjee at a public function...... what is he trying to prove...putting a mask and unmasking himself..interesting juxtaposition..he needs a break from underestimating the intelligence of indian voters.... advani and his ilk an their credentials need no more exposure........ the majoritorian politics is his brainchild..an is pursued with immense faith by another joker of the hindu variety -- praveen togaria....as if media is so innocent to not be able to see thru the game......

another man who is attracting too much of media limelight is rss cheif k.s sudarshan... wat is his base an from where does he draw mass support is the stuff to be researched...it is amusing for me to see every single crap uttered by him becomes a page 1 news item...let the poverty deaths an other stories of public concern go down the drains.....wat is the reason behind this warped sensibility that media suffers from????????
more to say...
in the next blog maybe....

AMBITIONS!!!

2005-06-16T12:44:00.000+05:30

THER COMES A TIME IN OUR LIVES... wen we have to make a decision...'bout the paths we choose an the careers we select..... for me things went smoothly till the TIME arrived.. yes i had to decide wat i wanted to do --- engineering, medicine or anything else of less concequence(in da words of my ENLIGHTENED teachers from school)... the fact that i had topped my school in 10 th was an added concern... but the thickskinned that i am decided to take up the subject i loved the most--HISTORY..to the shock of my history teacher!!(imagine?!)...so took up humanities and limited my options.....this was one decision i dont know whether to regret or be happy about?????
rest in another blog...

LIFE LESS!!

2005-06-16T01:16:00.000+05:30

STRUGLLIN wid MS excel........
go grant me some peace...

back to life???

2005-06-15T22:07:00.000+05:30

life acts funny at times..... here i am slogin my ass at the library jottin arbit amendments and feelin terribly low......and there ir expects me to key everythin in an still not understanding as to wat i am really learnin......well part of her concerns arent wrong.... i am expected to slog it out to write a term paper(hell! did anyone thought u learn anythin in doin such a thing)...so to sum it up i didnt really learn anything at this so called summer internship , but slogging it out for nothin..(my life SUCKS!!).....
Meanwhile one whole year at JNU & not turned LEFTIST... shocking by any standards....left ideology has no problem... the real problem begins with execution.....how do u prevent the dependence on MNCs without havin indian firms do well in the concerned sector.... it was fashionable to support the exit of NESCAFE but to allow MNCs coming into the campus for recruitment speaks volumes of the inherent hypocricy that left ideology all over the world suffers from.....as if mikhail gorbachev doin an ad for Mc donald was'nt a sign...... left in JNU to me seems to profess what I term as regression---stagnation---perpetual doom..... they glamorize poverty--the pain of deprivation.... to these MONA DASes WHO dont even bother to pay their mess bills on time(her name figured inda LIST) , the real pain behind poverty is too glamorous to be left alone... they r content with livin a life of modst means--teachin in some arbit college in some arbit lace on earth.... so haow the hell they end up upliftin the poor remains a big question mark.......or they join some NGO whose lifeline is da money pumped into india by some foreign agency(whose source will undoubtedly be the corporates)... so does someone have da intelligence to ask these self proclaimed champions of humanity about their contribution to society in the vocations they choose after studies........
so much to writ ...
some other time....

BACK TO LIFE

2005-06-15T00:09:00.000+05:30

after 8 hrs of killin schedule in office......this is my fav time....in front of my comp.......listenin to linkin park..........& doin wat i always wanted to do..........HELL!! writin a blog.............'tis a confusin time for me...really dunno wat to do ????wen i dont get time for gre study in office....is undoubtedly da most frustratin day for me..............
god save me!!